grief support letters 1-8

“There is a sacredness in tears.

They are not the mark of weakness but of power.

They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues.

They are messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition,

and of unspeakable love.”

Washington Irving

Dear Friend, 

In the above quote, Washington Irving gives word to a truth not often acknowledged by our prevalent culture. So many times, both grief and tears are devalued. Those of us who are grieving sometimes feel marginalized by family members, co-workers, or neighbors who just don’t understand the depth of the range of emotions that grief can bring to our lives. Such feelings, including deep contrition, can be, at once, surprising and overwhelming. 

Even when a major loss is expected, we rarely anticipate the full impact it will have on our lives. For a while, life itself seems upside down. Feelings are raw, emotions in turmoil. The time following the death of a loved one can be filled with all sorts of struggles and difficulties. At times, amid the sense of confusion, disorganization, and emotional turmoil, tears of sorrow blend with those of frustration or loneliness. 

Occasionally, by the time a person dies, there just aren’t any tears left, at least for a while. Sheer exhaustion from an extended period of caregiving can cause this, shock related to the suddenness of the death, or numbness from having simply too many people or things to attend to. A lack of tears might even be gender-related: in our culture, men tend to grieve differently, or cry less, or at least, less publicly, than women. 

Fewer tears or milder grief can also be the result of relief that the deceased is finally free from a protracted illness, and that, at last, the suffering of this life has been exchanged for the comfort of an eternal one. Feeling relief after an illness or death of this kind is entirely natural—in some circumstances, sending a loved one on to ‘the Eternal Care Unit’ is the best outcome that can be hoped for. 

But sometimes, the prevalent feeling is not relief, but a mixture of emotions that results from a complicated relationship with the deceased, that, like most relationships, included tough times as well as happy ones. Remember, not all grief is related to death: some grief is regret for a loving relationship that never existed or words of forgiveness never spoken. 

Anger, too, is an emotion commonly experienced by people who are grieving. Though it feels worrisome to be angry with a close family member or friend, especially if the person is deceased, it’s not at all uncommon. In fact, the death of a loved one can bring to the surface unpleasant feelings, either towards the deceased, or towards surviving family or friends. After all, just because a death has occurred, doesn’t mean that years of unfortunate personal history have been erased. Actually, death tends to intensify pre-existing relationship challenges. 

At times, we feel angry with God. And while it can be disconcerting to be angry at God, or to question our faith, try not to worry.  God is certainly big enough to handle our questions and our anger—and in his great mercy, he loves us right through it. “True faith is not a matter of feeling,” according to R.S. Sullender, “but of the courage to go on believing and hoping.” 

Keep in mind that feelings are exactly that: feelings. They aren't good or bad; they just are. When, whether, or how feelings occur is less important than how we choose to deal with them. 

Death is so final, and sometimes so sudden, that many times we don’t have the opportunity to communicate everything we’d like. Or maybe we did have a chance to say ‘goodbye’ and ‘I love you’ but have since remembered thoughts and feelings left unsaid. If you have feelings of love, gratitude, or sorrow, (or anger, regret, or guilt), it might be a good idea to write a letter, even to your deceased loved one, and communicate these feelings. Perhaps discussing them with a dear friend, family member, or pastor might help. 

I'm enclosing a link to the attachment, Grief Process, How we Grieve. Once shock has started to wear off, reviewing what normal grief looks like can be a relief. This essay reviews information about what grief looks like, how it manifests itself physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Most people find this detailed information helps lesson their worried wonderings: “Am I grieving or going crazy? Or both?!?” 

As you can see from Characteristics of Grief: How Grief Affects Us, some physical sensations which accompany grief can present like medical issues or impact already existing health problems. Because of this, now is a good time to check in with your doctor. Because the signs of grief are so physical and so varied, be sure to let your provider know you are grieving the death of a loved one. You may, like me, have cardiac symptoms you're pretty sure are from a broken heart, but you still need to be checked out.  (A hospital admission and a slew of tests later, my cardiologist agreed: my diagnosis was indeed a broken heart, now, many years later, much better.) 

If you feel you are depressed, overwhelmed, and unable to function, it's important to discuss this with your doctor or a therapist. Feeling deeply sad can be an expected part of grief, but feeling as if you don't want to live and thinking about a plan to end your life means you need immediate help. People care about you and want to help. Please call or text the suicide crisis hotline at 988.

Though drugs and alcohol are usually an unhelpful combination for grief, (alcohol, for instance, is an added depressant and interferes with sleep), prescription medications for sleep, anxiety, or depression are sometimes medically necessary. Discuss these choices with your medical provider. 

Hang in there: this time-frame post loss is still tough. The numbness and shock are wearing off and the permeance of the loss is becoming more clear. Be patient with yourself. Take time to take care of you. And remember to eat nourishingly, drink adequate fluids, sleep as well as you can, exercise daily, and pray unceasingly.  This combo works wonders.  

At this point, you may want a wider variety or quantity of information about grief than you are receiving here.  Please  consider checking out some of these helpful grief resources. Online resources include web site such as: 

The National Hospice Foundation: https://hospicefoundation.org/Grief-(1)/Support-Groups`

The Compassionate Friends: https://www.compassionatefriends.org/find-support/to-the-newly-bereaved/  The Compassionate Friends supports parents of any age who have experienced the death of a child. Siblings are also supported at The Compassionate Friends. 

AARP Grief and Loss Resources: https://www.aarp.org/caregiving/grief-loss-end-of-life/?cmp=RDRCT-bf1da46e-20210730  

Again, I’ve included a monthly prayer and written reflection for those who find writing a private note to a loved one to be a helpful way to ‘journey through grief.’

And don’t forget to pray.   Prayer can “speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues, and be the messenger of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love.”

I continue to pray for you and for your loved ones. May the Lord bless you and keep you.

In Christ,

Eileen

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GRIEF REFLECTION  for Monthly Grief Support Letter Four

Mary said: “Lord, if you had been here my bother would never have died.” When Jesus saw her weeping and the Jews who had accompanied her also weeping, he was troubled in spirit, moved by the deepest emotions…Jesus began to weep, which caused the Jews to remark, “See how much he loved him!”    John 11; 32-36 

Grief brings so many thoughts and feelings to the fore. Sometimes I feel like I’m going crazy with missing you. The feelings I’d most like to share with you are...

My feelings are raw, my emotions a tumult. It seems like one moment I feel OK, and the next I’m in tears—or angry. Next time, instead of saying words I’ll later regret, I’m going try to write them down instead, or talk to a heart friend who will listen without judging… 

Prayer:

Dear God, you wept at the death of your friend Lazarus. I too weep at the loss of my loved one. I too, am troubled in spirit; moved by the deepest emotions. I struggle with frustration, guilt, anger, sorrow, loneliness, and regret. I am afraid and anxious. Repair my brokenness, Lord. Heal me of guilt, anger, and regret. Accompany me in this vale of tears. Walk with me as I journey through grief. Fill me with the healing power of your love. Help me to believe. Amen. 

“I am the resurrection and the life: whosoever believes in me, even though he dies, shall live and whoever is alive and believes in me shall never die.” John; 11; 26s