Grief information: Grief process/how we grieve

Each person grieves in his or her own way, over time.  Grief is not a rigid progression through the Five Stages of Grief taught by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross.  Rather, even though we grieve individually, there are, at least in a general way, phases to the grieving process. 

Elizabeth Kubler Ross taught that denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance are involved in grieving. She never said everyone goes through all of these grief process components, and she sure didn't say they go through them in order.  A person might, for example,  experience shock and numbness , what she called denial, at the beginning of grief, and sadness, or what she described as depression, throughout the process. One person might never experience anger or bargaining, while another person night feel angry a lot. Still another person might experience all of the above, but out of order and daily, weekly, or monthly.  

Again, these processes of grief are not linier, rigid stages which MUST be gone through. This is a common misunderstanding, and it is false. Rather, the concepts she and other grief specialists describe, are general parts of our grieving time. 

The names Kubler Ross used to describe these ways of grieving can feel like negative labels, feel hurtful, and distract from the intended meanings.  Denial, for example, sounds like it means you don't accept your loved one's death at all, when really, it means you are so shocked and numb-feeling that the reality doesn't feel real. Bargaining can sound like it means you are bargaining with God and hoping to make a deal that your loved one really isn't dead and can come back. 

Instead, bargaining, in the context of grief, means that you find yourself wondering, again and again, things like: "If only he had exercised, he wouldn't have had the heart attack,"  "If only I had done this or done that, he or she would not have died," or, "If only I'd been a better caregiver, maybe things could have been different." (They would not have been: a part of you knows this.  It's just a part of you working through "the process" of grieving.)

Here is a description of each of these grief processes, or ways of grieving:

One grieving phase, for almost everyone, involves feelings of shock and numbness or a general feeling or unreality. This phase can last many months, through the funeral and beyond. There is a sense of unreality, of a loved one being on an extended vacation vs dead. You expect them to call, or walk in the door, but they don't. This isn't rigid denial as such. Rather, it confronts a very human desire to see those we love, and our psyche's normal inability to accept this soul-quaking change. 

Anger, too, is a part of life and a part of grief. Death, in all its unfairness and bad timing can make us mad. That's normal. We can be mad at doctors and nurses, family members, ourselves, God, and our departed loved ones. Honestly, the death of a loved one can be irritating, as can people who say or do unsupportive things. During grief, it 's easier for someone to "scratch on our psychic blackboards." My rule of thumb is that if everybody and everything is bugging me, the problem is probably me. Rather than say something I'll regret, I'll take a walk or a drive. If you can, take a break from irritating people. Instead, hang out with net-energy positive people who listen to you and love you without condition.
 

Bargaining is perhaps the most misunderstood grief related concept or process. It doesn't mean: I'm going to make a deal with God and my loved one won't really be dead.  It means it's normal to wonder what could have happened differently and think, "if only" it hadn't. We could think, "If only, this had happened or that had not happened..." Or "If only I had said this and not said that...." We re-wind and replay what happened and what did not, thinking about how things would have gone if there had been a different outcome. This is part of being human: we wish there were some way to have changed things.

Depression: After the phase of numbness or shock starts to wear off, the reality of death is stark. Sadness is normal. Depression can occur. If you feel as if you might be depressed, please check with your health care provider. Depression is a neurochemical change in our brains. We may need medication, therapy, or treatment to rebalance our neurochemicals and treat depression effectively. Not all sadness or mild depression during grief needs treatment: it's just good to get checked out, just in case. 

Acceptance: This, too, is widely misunderstood when applied to grief. We don't suddenly feel hunky dory and kick our up our heals like Doris Day dancing down the street because we have come to "accept" the death of a loved one. That is bunk. People misunderstand what acceptance in grief looks like. Judging can occur, especially when people misunderstand Kubler Ross's stages. "You simply aren't accepting this loss. What don't you get some help?" "Why don't you, I think, get some help for being rude and ignorant?" (Hmm, the anger stage might be a tad operative here??) Honestly, hurtful ignorance makes me mad. Sheesh! 

The good news is, eventually, even while sad, we adjust to the reality of our loved ones' death and adapt our lives to incorporate a new normal. We still grieve the loss; we always will. We've just begun to adapt, adjust, and make modifications to our life. That's called acceptance, which, by the way, is not a "one and done." 

We may feel accepting one day or one week, one month or one year, and then recycle our way through some of the phases again. Remember: we re-grieve at every developmental stage.  Occasions such as an adult child's wedding or a friends silver wedding anniversary can be occasions to revisit our sorrow that our loved one is not here to celebrate with us. It still hurts our hearts.  Our soul's ache. This, too, is "normal," sadly.  

Give yourself, again, time to grieve, time to heal, and time to accept.  And cut yourself a huge slice of slack, every day.