Grief information: Characteristics of Grief

Most people grieve physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. Characteristics of grief vary from person to person and even for the same person over time. It's important to know how many of the following signs are normal in the context of grief. It's also key to contact your physician so he or she can help you ascertain grief in the context of your health needs and history. 

Physical Sensations of Grief: People grieve physically--our bodies are connected to who we are. Physical manifestations of grief can include symptoms such as body aches, headaches, an upset stomach, a lack of appetite or an increased appetite, exhaustion, trouble remembering or concentrating, and difficulty sleeping. A persons’ heart can, literally, ache. (This sign, or any other physical symptom of concern, needs to be checked out by your physician.) 

Grief can also be manifested specifically in the following ways: tightness in the chest and throat, dry mouth, hollowness in the stomach, headaches, shortness of breath, lack of energy, overall fatigue, a feeling of being bone tired, or "inside out tiredness," excess of nervous energy, dizziness, heart pounding, over-sensitivity to noise, a heavy feeling in body, arms, and legs or general muscular weakness, cold or hot flashes, stomach & intestinal upsets, sensitivity in your skin, increase in physical sensations, illnesses, a general feeling of being unwell. 

Grief related behaviors can include: sighing frequently, being absent minded or restless, having a decreased appetite, not sleeping well, dreaming of the loss, searching for your loved one or feeling as if you want to call out or speak to the person who has died, having an increased need for touch, hugs and contacts with others or experiencing social withdrawal or a decreased need to touch or have physical contact with others, avoiding places or things or people who remind you of the loss, or, conversely, frequently visiting people or places which reminders of the loss, holding or carrying objects that belonged to or remind you of the person who has died, wearing their clothing.

The only way through this kind of physical and grief-related behaviors, is to accept that all grief, and your grief, is complex, that it is varied, and that you may feel or demonstrate some of the above  manifestations of grief. Try and take very good care of yourself, to be aware of what your body is telling you. Eat healthily, drink lots of fluid, exercise frequently, and sleep as well as you can. Limiting alcohol, which worsens sleep, and, as a result, may increase emotionality and irritability.

And, again, please check in with your health care provider as needed: So many grief related physical sensations can mimic actual illnesses or medical conditions which need to be assessed medically, ruled out, and treated if need be. Also, sometimes you may need medical assistance with feeling better physically. If some of the above sensations can be decreased by medical suggestions, treatment, or prescriptions, perhaps some of your grief related physical sensations can be improved. For example, your provider might recommend melatonin for sleep, Pepcid for stomach irritability, or other remedies. 

Emotionally: Grief-related emotions can feel overwhelming. A person experiencing the death of a spouse or child or other loved one can feel his or her identity as a wife, parent, or sibling has been lost.
 

Other grief-related feelings are: A feeling of shock, a sense of the death not feeling real, a feeling of numbness or dull thinking, emptiness, irritability, anger, sadness, depression, anxiety, fear, self-reproach, guilt, relief, resentment, a feeling of low self-esteem, helplessness, emotional lability or vulnerability, acute loneliness, feelings of being crazy, mood swings, and an increased intensity of all feelings. These feelings can come in waves, one after another. 

Critical thoughts and judgmentalism of self and others can become habitual. Try to cut yourselves and others a slice of slack: mercy should be your goal.    Treat yourself and others with compassion. Should self-criticism or other unhealthy grief related thoughts or feelings become entrenched, please consider seeing a therapist or grief counselor. (EFT, or Emotionally Focused Therapy can be very helpful.) Receiving the tools you need to travel healthily through your grieving time is a very, very good idea.
 

Mentally: Grief can bring up a whole lot of thoughts. Persistent feelings of regret, wishing for "do overs," or ruminating about "if only’ s," can take up a lot of thinking time. Here, too, you should realize these thoughts and the "rewind/relay" of events, decisions, words, and actions, are normal parts of grief. Thinking about things again and again, becoming preoccupied with certain thought patterns, feeling mentally confused or forgetful, having difficulty with concentrating and decision making are also part of the grief-related terrain. Many people report feeling the presence of their loved one, even hearing or smelling them, even outside of dreaming. 

Consider starting a journal to jot down thoughts or feelings. Purchasing a simple grief book, you can refer to as time goes on, might help. Checking out websites like this one or others can be supportive. A hospice support group might help.  Put appointments on your computer, phone, or on a paper calendar. Check it regularly--it's easy to miss things when one is grieving.

Some people who are grieving have thoughts of self-destruction: If you or anyone you know has thoughts of self-harm or has made plans to die, please get the help you need. Don't wait. People love you very much and are concerned about you.  Support is available.  Just call or text the suicide and crisis lifeline: 988

Spiritually: The death of a loved one is a soul-seismic event. One's whole world, including faith life, is upended, shaken. Faith as you once knew it can feel destroyed. You might wonder how God could let such a thing happen. Your feelings about faith may feel deadened. Spiritual apathy may occur.  Or, maybe your faith life feels deeper and more authentic in the aftermath of your loss. 

Spiritual issues often come up during the process of grief. It is normal to question God's presence during it all, to have challenges of faith. If possible, connect with a pastor, priest, rabbi, or spiritual advisor. If prayer or meditation has been important for you in the past, try praying, even if you don't feel comforted. Make time for reflection. Realize it's OK to be mad at God: God doesn't mind.  He's big enough to handle anger and still has an abundance of love and compassion for you. 

A description of the grieving process isn't a prescription for coping with grief. Sadly, coping strategies can't be boxed up and delivered like an Amazon package, on time and ready for unwrapping. Rather, each of us needs to remember that the grieving process takes time. We need to be attentive to our own needs and to one another's, to reacquaint ourselves with the ways we've coped with past losses and rediscover the ways we can cope with this one.

And each day we need to be merciful to ourselves and those we love, and to extend to ourselves the compassion we would extend to another. Treat yourself with the tenderness your loved one would wish for you.

For more information, please see other grief -related articles on this site. Again, be sure to check in with a health care provider regularly during grieving time. It's good to have help figuring out if parts of your grief experience might need medical expertise.