grief support letters

“Be comforted, give comfort to my people, saith your God….” 

Isaiah 40:1-1

Dear Friend, 

May the above words of the prophet Isaiah console you during this time of sorrow. 

Grief literature describes the phase which often occurs in the early months of grieving as ‘shock and disbelief.’ This is by no means meant to be a catch-all description, but rather a portrayal of what many people experience in the first weeks and months after a loved one dies. 

Usually, to protect ourselves from too much; too soon, our psyche allows a period to elapse before the full reality of a loss can sink in. Even several months after a loved one’s death, it is not uncommon to hear people who grieve say things like: “Even though I know she is dead (I hate that word!), when the phone rings and I’ll answer it, hoping to hear the sound of her voice,” or “I must run upstairs and tell him what just happened. He’ll never believe it!” “Surely she can’t really be dead.” “He’s not really gone forever from this world of here and now…Not REALLY.” 

As time passes, this ‘shock and disbelief’ can transition to a more intense and sorrow-filled reality: “Even morning coffee isn’t the same. Nothing is. How will I make it?” or “OK, it’s been many months. Mom’s being dead is old—I just want her back. I’m tired of her being dead.” Intensely missing a loved one and the relationship we shared, even if it was not perfect (relationships with humans rarely are), can cause a whole variety of physical sensations, feelings, thoughts, and behaviors. 

When these sorts of things occur, it can be disconcerting, even frightening. People who are actively grieving sometimes wonder: “Am I sick? Why can’t I remember anything? I’m so distracted. What’s wrong with me?” 

It’s important to know that grief related feelings and behaviors are not ‘signs of going off the deep end’, but rather, a few of the most common characteristics of grief. In fact, it can be a relief to realize that some of what you’re experiencing is shared by others who are grieving or have grieved the death of a loved one. 

Grief is exhausting.  The intensity of grief and the frequent thoughts of whether you're going crazy or "just" grieving, can be so all encompassing that self care can fall by the wayside, just when it's most needed.  

This month's informational attachment are for both people who want Help Navigating Grief and for family members and friends who need better tools on what to say and what not to say to support those they know and love. Another article, First Steps Forward in Grief details beginning steps of daily coping.

Each person grieves in a unique and very personal way, but common ground—and sometimes common tips for survival—can be found with other persons who have journeyed through grief. For instance, you may have noticed that grief comes in ‘waves.’ A part of a day might go by, (even a whole day!) and you think “Hey, I’m doing OK,” only to be later pulled under by an undertow, or a tidal wave of physical or emotional grief. Anything can set it off: a smell, a sight, a familiar feeling, an errand, a day of the week or time of the day—all the places, times and feelings we associate with the ones we miss. 

A few ideas: An informal sharing with a close friend or relative about how hard it is, or how you’d hoped things would be different in your relationship before he or she died, can help. A support group might be an occasion for finding out: “What works for you?” 

Prayer and loving support may be the most helpful aides for living through the grief of everyday life. In the midst of all, know that I will be praying for you. 

May the Lord comfort you with his great love. 

In Christ, 

Eileen

  _______________________________________________________________________________________________

GRIEF REFLECTION for Monthly Grief Support Letter Three

"My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?

Why are you so far from helping me, 

from the words of my groaning?”

Psalm 22:1-2

Every time I hear the phone ring, a part of me wishes it could be you, calling to talk to me one more time. Since you died, I’ve wanted to tell you many things, especially. . . 

I want so much to hear your voice, to feel you hugging me. I wish for so many things. Mainly, I wish for more time with you, so that we could…

Prayer:

Dear God,

Please help me. Help me to survive the loss of my loved one. The longing I feel for the sound of my loved one’s voice, and for the physical presence of my beloved, is intense. At times, I feel lonely and forsaken, even by you, God. On my darkest days, I do not feel your presence. I long to know the comfort of your love. Help me to believe you are with me through it all.

Console me. Hold me in your love. Allow angels to whisper the words I’ve written into the ears of my loved one, including the words of forgiveness and thanksgiving. Carry my loved one into your eternal presence, so one day we might meet again and live within the abundance of your love. I ask this through Christ our Lord. Amen.