Grief Information: First Steps Forward

Now that you have a basic understanding that there is no right or wrong way to grieve,  you can begin to move forward, slowly, knowing at first you may feel numb, and your grief may have a feeling of unreality.  This sense of "this can't really be real/he or she can't really be dead" can dull or enhance our early sorrow, as can all the things we need to accomplish and all the people we need to see in the early aftermath of our loved one's passing.  

Daily life can feel weird: even waking up or going to sleep can feel different, everything in every day can feel disrupted by the the person's absence.  This, too, is normal, though anything but easy.  One mantra some grievers use is: "The only way out (of grief) is through. The only way out of grief is through."  Move forward and through grief slowly, steadily, one day, or part of one day at a time.  (A whole day can feel like a massive time interval, even an hour can seem too long to go.)  

Implement a daily plan of merciful self-care.  Plow through each day, doing your best, finding what supports you can. 

Get up, get out of bed, shower, have coffee or tea, and breakfast. (It can be tough to even get out of bed during early grief. Literally, take one step at a time.) Eat healthily. Breathe. Make a (very!!) short to do list, to give yourself some structure.  

Breathe again, deeply.  Breathe out, slowly.  Conscious, slow, deep breathing is more important than you'd think.  Often, without thinking, when grieving, we find ourselves breathing short, rapid breaths, the kind that lead to hyperventilation, and to feeling anxious and ill.

It might be general, like "work in yard/weed."  Or it might be, "go to bank," "get copies of death certificate," "meet with attorney."  Maybe it includes, "call kids," or "have coffee with friend."  Adjust the schedule as need be, being flexible and taking into account your energy level in the moment.  Do some things, though; don't just sit there, as tempting as that might be, because being immobilized leads to being more immobilized.  Establish a to do list/make a schedule of upcoming events.

Try to outline events and ideas for each day.  Consider getting an on-paper planner/schedule book/calendar.  Computer and phone schedules/calendars are good too: whatever works for you. It may help to have specific things written down, so days and weeks don't yawn out interminably.  

Because forgetfulness is such an omnipresent part of grief, it's a good idea to make notes of what you need to do and when.  If you can. Jotting a few things down in your calendar puts what you want or need to do down in a place where you can readily find and refer to it.  

Being forgetful is frustrating, and leads people to worry they are losing their mind, getting sudden dementia.  Obviously, medical assessment is in order if this has been going on before your caregiving and grieving time or if you or family members have concern. 

Imagine your grieving brain to be a computer with a thousand windows open to different web sites.  It'll slow down.  And so will you, when you grieve. That brain has so many things going on in the background and in the foreground, that concrete memory is reduced.  The normal phenomenon of going into another room and forgetting what you went for, is magnified in grief.  The answer to the frustrated, "What's the matter with me?!?" is that you are (still) grieving.  Cut yourself a slice of slack.

Imagine you are taking care of you as you would someone else you love very much. Think of how you might help them/help you. Live loving-kindness towards self and others.  That's the first step. Take good care of you.

For more information about the process of grieving, please see Info about Grief Process/How you experience grief