Grief support letters/special days/holidays/valentines day

“There are three things that last:

faith, hope, and love;

and the greatest of these is love.”

1Corinthians 13:13

Dear Friend,

With its combination of darkness and rainy weather, February can be a dreary month for anyone. Add Valentines Day, and for those of us who grieve, it can be even more difficult. 

In truth, any month celebrating great love is a mixed blessing—composed of both joy and sorrow. The joy of love remembered can blend with the feeling of love’s absence and cause renewed pain. 

During this grief, it helps us remember the love we’ve shared, and will always share, with our loved ones. Even though we know death can’t separate us from love—either the love we have for Christ or the love we share with one another, it’s tough anyway.

As Christians, we’re called to discover and re-discover the Lord’s love in one another. Jesus himself saw God’s goodness in those with whom he shared his life on earth. And no doubt he remembered that goodness when his family and friends departed this earth, as he wept for the loss of those he loved. St. John describes how the Lord grieved at the death of his friend Lazarus: 

“Jesus wept. So, the Jews said, ‘See how he loved him!”

To love and be loved is an eternal blessing. And to grieve the loss of this love in a tangible way is as natural as it is painful. American culture, in general, tends to be less demonstrative in showing outward grief. That’s OK, to a certain degree. 

But in many places in the world, physically demonstrative grief is accepted as the norm. After all, when a person’s body experiences a strenuous workout, it sweats. Likewise, when a soul is experiencing great pain, it is natural for it to ‘sweat tears of sorrow,’ or to cry out in psychic or spiritual pain. 

Don't be surprised if you find yourself feeling more emotional this month. The weeks surrounding special holidays like Valentines Day can be especially difficult times of remembrance. What you did last year and prior years will come to mind. You can't help but think of past celebrations and words of love, sometimes going back decades. Knowing things will never again be the same hurts deeply. Knowing you can't change past regrets hurts also.  If the tears come, let them come. And if you find yourself reliving and remembering those special days and years, let those memories come as well. 

You might find that making a memory book, poem, recording, or finding some other way of memorializing your loved one will help. Maybe talking about those cherished memories with a friend or family member or ‘praying through’ the memories will be comforting. 

Discerning what you will do on Valentines Day, or how you will (or won’t) commemorate that day, can be difficult, but is necessary. Some people go out to a special dinner with family or friends, others stay home. Some purchase red roses and a card, signing it on behalf of the loved one who isn’t able, and toast them with a glass of wine. Others choose to do something completely different. That’s OK too. If a winter hike or a trip to somewhere else feels less painful than being physically present at home on Valentines Day, choose that. 

Most people know what they need: if commemoration and remembrance work best for you, figure out how to actualize that. If avoidance of the day, though not the inevitable feelings of sorrow, works for you, then go for it. There is no one way to celebrate any holiday without the physical presence of your loved one. Valentine’s Day is no exception. A holiday celebrating love can be even more difficult.  

Many saints and followers of Christ throughout history have struggled through times of sorrow and grief. One of my favorite prayers was authored by St. Augustine — who experienced the deaths of his mother, son, and dear friend, all within a few years. 

Augustine’s prayer, which speaks poignantly of the heavy burden of grief, is as follows: 

God of life,

There are days when the burdens we carry 

Chafe our shoulder and wear us down,

When the road seems dreary and endless,

The skies gray and threatening,

When our lives have no music in them,

And our hearts are lonely,

And our souls have lost their courage.

Flood the path with light, 

We beseech thee Lord.

Turn our eyes

To where the heavens are full of promise.

Augustine knew great love and experienced significant grief. In his Confessions, he details the depth of his sorrow, and his regret at not being a better person, son, and father. His mom, St Monica, knew of this regret. She told him: “Bury my body wherever you will; let not care of it cause you any concern. One thing only I ask you, that you remember me at the altar of the Lord wherever you may be.” 

During this time when we celebrate love, remember your loved one at the altar of God’s love. Know God loves you both tenderly and completely. He holds you in the gentle warmth of His compassion. May the love of the Lord be yours on each day of this ‘Valentine’s Month.’ And may the peace of Christ be with you.

In Christ, 

Eileen