Grief support: Holiday Letters

Comfort, O comfort my people, says your God.

Have you not known? Have you not heard?

The Lord is the everlasting God, The Creator of the ends of the earth.

He does not faint or grow weary; His understanding is unsearchable.

He gives power to the faint, And strengthens the powerless.

But those who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength,

They shall mount up with wings like eagles,

They shall run and not be weary,

They shall walk and not faint.

Isaiah 40:31

Dear Friend,

“I can’t believe it’s been a year.  It still fees like he is gone on a trip and will be back soon.” “I thought I would be doing better by her year death anniversary. But I still miss her so much.” “I’ve been doing better the last several months, starting to move forward with my life. But this death anniversary has me spinning. My emotions are raw again: I feel like I’ve gone backwards.”

You may recognize yourself in the above quotes. Or perhaps not. 

For most people, the one-year death anniversary is tough. Vivid memories resurface from a year ago, including the dying time and aftermath. The renewed swirl of thoughts, feelings, and emotions can feel like a gut punch, especially when you’ve worked so hard to move forward. An uptick in grief manifestations you thought were over and done with is discouraging. Plus, you might not have thought this would be such a big deal. The difference between expectation and reality makes things more difficult.

The one-year mark is a sentinel time for grief remembrance across the world. Unfortunately, most Americans don’t have the benefit of a pre-existing ritual and are left to wonder what, if anything, they should do to commemorate the day. Should they be at home, or go somewhere? Be alone, or with others? Commemorate the day formally, or just let it elapse? If one chooses to commemorate, how?  

Sometimes, the anticipation of ‘‘What will I do?’ and ‘How will I cope?’ before a death anniversary can increase stress. 

The renewed intensity of emotions as we relive the days and weeks preceding our loved one’s death, and the increased interaction with families and friends, all of whom might have a different idea on how to best honor and remember the loved one, and it can feel overwhelming. 

A few words of advice from others who have experienced special days and death anniversaries of a loved one: 

1) You might be surprised how full you will need your energy reservoir to be in order to get through the time interval before and after the anniversary day. You may wish to add practical and spiritual support for at several weeks before and after a special occasion such like a death anniversary, birthday, or wedding anniversary. Seek out dear friends and close family members—people with whom you feel safe to be vulnerable. Schedule daily respite-time from your work life and/or family responsibilities. Plan a series of little remembrances. Try to start early, so that all the activity and stress does not center on a single day. Exercise. Let tears flow as they may. Or not, depending on what is most comfortable for you. 

2) One of the most helpful things I’ve heard of is a Novena of Loving Support. This means that for nine days in advance of or following a death anniversary or special day of remembrance, family or friends schedule added prayer or loving activities with one another. It may be grabbing a quick cup of coffee or finding time for a quiet dinner. Attending daily mass or bible study is a good idea, as is lighting a candle before a loved one’s picture each night.

3) Cut yourself a slice of slack. Don’t do too much, expect too much, or commit to too much in advance. Build in scheduled flexibility, so if you feel overwrought or overwhelmed, you can minimize your stress. For example: If you plan to attend a service together and go to the cemetery, you may want to allow some alone time or rest time before heading over to a family gathering. 

Reviewing what other cultures do to commemorate a one-year death anniversary might assist you in discerning what will work best for you.

Early Christians celebrated a person’s death anniversary as their ‘dies natalis,’ the ‘day of birth’ into the divine world. In Africa, a celebration of life occurs, like a funeral, only bigger. Asian cultures honor deceased loved ones on the year death anniversary with rituals. In Jewish custom, the year death anniversary is called yahrzeit. It’s observed by lighting a memorial candle at home at sundown on the evening before the death anniversary, and, the next day, by reciting kiddish, a prayer for the dead, at synagogue. For Hindus, the first death anniversary is observed by a ceremony enabling the deceased to be admitted into the assembly of forefathers. Options for Catholics include having a mass offered that day, and for Christians, having a faith-based ceremony. 

Anyone from anywhere can visit the cemetery, host a gathering, share a meal, pray, and remember. It might not even have to be a formal ritual. You may choose to go to a fine steakhouse and toast him with memories and a glass of wine or decide to play a commemorative round of golf. High tea at her favorite teahouse or café might be a good fit or embarking on a well-loved hike. Anything that feels like it works for you is the right choice, even if it’s grabbing a burger at a favorite burger joint and going home to watch a favorite show. 

No matter how you choose to remember the death anniversary, or “dies natalis,” of your loved one, the Lord will be with you. God loves us, listens to us, and answers our prayers. He “gives power to the faint and strengthens the powerless.” He is present during our struggles, in the center of our grief, walking alongside us in our daily lives, whether we’re at work, at home, with our families, or all alone. 

As you prepare for the one-year death anniversary, it might be helpful to reflect on the words of “On Eagle’s Wings.” “And I will raise you up on eagle’s wings, bear you on the breath of sky, make you to shine like the sun, and hold you in the palm of my hand.” Grief can make us feel faint—even powerless with sorrow or regret. 

Fortunately, the Lord does not grow faint or weary in the care of his children. 

And those who wait for the Lord to renew their strength, those who know we cannot possibly renew our own strength, those of who mourn, “shall mount up with wings like eagles. We shall run and not be weary, walk and not be faint.” May God bless you and comfort you. 

In Christ,

Eileen

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GRIEF REFLECTION FOR ONE YEAR DEATH ANNIVERSARY

For you, O Lord, have delivered my soul from death,

my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling,

that I may walk before the Lord in the land of the living.

Psalm 116:8-9

Though my eyes are filled with tears, and my feet still stumble in grief, I am conscious of the ways you continue to live in me. The ways I feel blessed by you are . . .

What I would like to say to you this day, one year later is…

And what I would like to hear you say to me is…

Prayer:

Dear God,

I clearly remember the days leading up to my loved one’s death. My thoughts and feelings feel like waves which carry me out to sea or leave me high and dry on land, stranded in a desert of grief. Dearest Lord, help me during this time of renewed remembrance. Help me to grow in your love as I journey through grief. Grant me your forgiveness, Lord. And help me to forgive those who have trespassed against me—and to pray for my loved ones, both living and dead. 

Help me to walk before the Lord in the land of the living—to feel in my heart and know in my thoughts that you will never leave me—that you will hold me in the palm of your hand, comforting me, giving me strength, in the good times and bad. Be my harbor from the storms of grief and the struggles of life, this day and every day. Accompany me on my journey. Send forth your Spirit that I might have joy. Grant me your peace, dearest Lord, the peace which surpasses all understanding. I ask this in Jesus’ name. Amen.