Grief Support: monthly grief support letters

“Patience achieves all it strives for.

He who has God

Finds he lacks nothing,

God alone suffices.”

St. Teresa of Avila

Dear Friend,   

Saint Teresa of Avila, who penned the above prayer, was no stranger to grief. Teresa was a strong woman with a lively faith and an extraordinary intellect. She was named a Doctor of the Church; in other words, a holy person whose life, thought, example, and faith is worthy of emulation. And yet, she was also refreshingly human, exhibiting both impatience and a testy temper. 

Teresa also had a very personal relationship with God, one which included excruciatingly honest conversations about what she thought of various struggles and trials she endured in his service. 

One particularly memorable “conversation” with God occurred on a stormy evening in the 16th century, when Teresa was making her way from one Carmelite convent in Spain to another. (Teresa belonged to a group of Catholic Sisters called Carmelites, whose main mission in life is to pray.) Rain was torrential, the road slippery, filled with muddy potholes. At one point, the horse stumbled and the coach Teresa was riding in was jolted suddenly sideways. In the process, St. Teresa went flying—though not on eagles’ wings, as perhaps she deserved. Instead, in full 15thcentury nun attire, she sailed over to and landed in a massive pothole. Picking herself up, drenched to the skin and covered head to toe in muck, the great saint shook her fist at the sky, calling out to God:

“If this is how you treat your friends, it’s no wonder you have so few!!”

Wow. Those are some stern words, especially when addressed to the Creator. Either St. Teresa had a lot of nerve, or she knew with all her heart that she was loved unconditionally by her God. Any words she said in the heat of anger would be taken in the context of her lifelong love and service and be forgiven thoroughly. I’m betting on the second scenario—though her accomplishments as a reformer suggest she had more than enough of nerve as well. 

It doesn’t take much imagination to envision ourselves amid a storm—be it a storm of grief or a struggle within a family—where we, too, lose our temper and lash out at friends and families, using words or acting in ways we eventually regret. All too often, such scenes cause hurt feelings and inter-family wounding. And if the person with whom we’ve ‘had words’ is deceased, the wound can fester within us for a long time, inhibiting healthy grieving. Poisonous words and toxic attitudes create friction within a family or community, complicating grief with bitterness, anger, and unresolved hurt. 

Renewed hope and reinvigorated love are essential for healing, but difficult to foster.

To remedy hurt-filled situations, we might consider taking a page from ‘the good Doctor.’ My guess is that St. Teresa eventually apologized for using such harsh words to the Lord. And who knows? Maybe the good Lord apologized for the storm? 

Because eventually, St. Teresa was able to control her anger, renew her trust in God, write—and live— the magnificent prayer that precedes this letter. After a lifetime of serving her Lord, Teresa came to know that all things pass, including anger, frustration, and grief. She was buoyed in her life's storms by faith, and, even when persecuted for being a reformer, she demonstrated impressive resilience, allowing God to help her develop patience and perseverance. Finally, she came to know that “she who has God finds she lacks nothing, that God alone suffices.”

It might help to pray for resilience, for the strength to cope, to survive, and eventually, to thrive, even during your daily crosses and mud-filled potholes. Each of us has endured challenges, heartaches, and difficulties in our lives. Sometimes it helps to look back, and to wonder: “How DID I get through that?” 

You might find, on reflection, the graces God has given you to survive and surmount past difficulties are the very graces He is providing you in the present instance. Your unique brand of resilience might be a sense of humor, abiding faith, gratitude, or the support of family and friends. It might be reaching out to help others in need or taking time off from over-helping others at the expense of yourself. 

Take time to discover—and recover—your own God-given strengths.  Each one of us has a particular brand of resilience, woven from the strands of our life experiences thus far. The purpose of resilience is to endure the waves and undercurrents of life and grief, moving through them, buoyed by strengths gathered and honed through previous life-storms. Within each of us are strengths that lay forgotten and virtues untended. 

Mentors unremembered and heroes left by life's wayside can be recovered. Their lives of service can inspire us, too, to rediscover how to serve God's people. Does your local St Vincent De Paul need volunteer help?  How about the local food bank, a church outreach, or an elderly neighbor?  You might not be volunteer ready yet, but when you are, follow the path paved by heroes and mentors.

Other grievers have developed their own ways of being resilient. Just because their path through grief and the duration of mourning differs from your own, does not make it wrong, just different. Respect the grief-journey of others. If necessary, remind them (gently) to respect yours.

This month's informational attachment is entitled: Recovering Resilience: Discovering Strength 

Though not written specifically for grief, it's a reminder to remember anchors, rediscover strengths, renew hopes, reaffirm forgiveness, & recover resilience. 

On those days when patience is hard to come by, when you feel jostled by life’s hard knocks, covered in anger, or filled with muddy resentment, pray St. Teresa’s prayer. Talk to God about how you feel—and ask Him to help you. Trust that the God who loves you will “make all things work together unto good,” even during sorrow. I am praying for you. 

In Christ,

Eileen

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GRIEF REFLECTION EIGHT 

 "It happened that a bad squall blew up. The waves were breaking over the boat and it began to leak water badly. Jesus was in the stern through it all, sound asleep on a cushion. They finally woke him and said to him: "Teacher, does it not matter to you that we are going to drown?”

Sometimes, my life’s boat feels leaky. Everyday stresses add to ongoing grief and my days are constantly being swamped. It’s easy to forget I’m not in my boat alone—that God is with me. Next time I’m caught in a storm, I will recall lessons from my life’s heroes. I will… 

I have weathered previous grief storms and stress-filled times before. Now, when life’s storms buffet me, I’ll try to be resilient—to access my God-given strengths, my hidden virtues. I will... 

Prayer:

Dear Lord, Help me to weather the buffeting storms, to accept healthful harbors, the respite of friendship, exercise, a fine meal, or a simple bath. Help me to invite you into my life boat. With your help, I will learn to be resilient amid struggles. I know you will not let me drown in sorrow, unaccompanied by the healing power of your love. Still my grief. Console me. Calm my life’s seas. Keep my little boat afloat. Fill me with your holy awe and faith in the power of your redeeming love. Amen.

“He awoke and rebuked the wind and said to the sea:  "Quiet! Be still!” The wind fell off and everything grew calm…A great awe overcame them. They kept saying to one another, “Who can this be that even the wind and the sea obey him?" Mark 4: 39-41