Grief Support: Monthly Grief Support Letters

“My peace I leave with you,

my peace I give to you.

Let your hearts not be troubled,

Neither let them be afraid.”

John 14

Dear Friend, 

May the peace of the Lord be with you, and with your family.  May you be filled with grace and gratitude. 

Soon after he rose from the dead, Jesus appeared to the apostles, who were gathered in the upper room, apprehensive and afraid, grieving the loss of their beloved. Despite the locked door (or perhaps because of it?), Jesus appeared in their midst, and breathed the following words into their hearts and into our hearts: “Peace be with you.” “Receive the Holy Spirit.” 

This peace, the peace of the Holy Spirit, is “the peace that surpasses all understanding.” It is offered as a gift to each one of us, every day, in life, and in grief. But finding this peace can be difficult, especially while we grieve. It’s not that we don’t want peace—even long for it. We do. Most definitely. Every one of us longs to feel better, to be free from sorrow, to incorporate joy and peace, forgiveness and serenity into our daily lives. 

It’s just that, much of the time, we don’t FEEL peaceful. Our lives may be packed full of events and activities, duties and responsibilities. Or, depending on age and health, they may not be. Either way, our lives are bereft of the full presence of our loved ones. (For some of us, grief is compounded by the lack of a truly loving relationship with the deceased when he or she was alive.) With our hearts rent by loneliness, sorrow, guilt, anger, frustration, and/or just plain exhaustion, much of the time we do not feel peaceful—though we wish we did. Splices of joy, snapshots of happiness, and pictures of love occur, at times. But lasting peace? It’s more elusive.

Yet, we long for peace—for the promised peace which surpasses all understanding. At the same time, we might wonder: “What IS peace, anyway? How can I attain it?” 

Our world seems to define peace as ‘an absence of conflict.’ To be sure, a world or a life without conflict can seem like a pretty good thing. But is that the peace we hope for? Or is it something more? St. Augustine defines peace as “the tranquility of order.” At first glance, that definition might not resonate with our heart’s deepest longing for peace. We might wonder: “What does he mean by that?” 

As it turns out, what Augustine means is for us to experience true peace, we need the ‘tranquility of God’s order’ in our lives. In other words, to feel lasting peace, we need to invite the author of peace to appear in and transform the locked doors of our hearts, the secret places of grief and hurt, the dark areas of fear and doubt. 

To feel lasting peace, we need to “let go and let God,” to trust the God who loves us is holding us—and our beloved departed—in the palm of his hand, this day and every day. We need to pray daily, even many times a day, the following prayer of surrender to the tranquility of order found in God’s will and in his presence. Invite the Holy Spirit to breathe peace into our lives as we pray:

“I give up God: You take over.” 

That simple prayer, in various forms, has transformed the lives of saints and sinners over many, many centuries. We know well that life is not easy—our sorrow bears witness to just how hard it can be. As Gregory Pierce, the author of an extraordinary, faith-filled account of his little son’s death, wonders in A Grief Unveiled: “Do I have enough grace to get from breakfast to dinner?” Saint Paul confirms: “You will have to endure many hardships to enter the kingdom of God.”

Somehow, even knowing this, we still get caught in the habit of thinking we’re responsible for working our way through life—and grief—all by ourselves. In a way, this is akin to mistakenly believing we can work our way to heaven. Obviously, we can’t. We know that. We know God’s grace has saved us, that his grace sustains us through every struggle, that he is with us through it all. Still, being human, we forget. 

That’s where the “I give up: you take over” prayer comes in. We invite the Lord into our locked down, grieving hearts—and trust him to fill us with his consoling grace—and his abundantly healing peace. 

The best recipe for increasing peace in our hearts is increasing gratitude in our lives. 

That may sound like a tough sell. After all, one thing I am not grateful for is grief. And I’m not grateful for the death of my loved one. Not at all. But. To be uni-focused on sorrow is obviously not good. To think always and only of our loss, to be immersed only in grief, is to stunt who we are and who we will be and to diminish who we have been and who we will always love. Part of giving up control and inviting God to take over involves choosing to be grateful for his loving presence. The gifts and blessings of your life are part of that presence, and gratitude is the loving response to those gifts. 

Obviously, we need to grieve this loss, and there is no timeframe for that. We also need to move forward, with peace filled hope. Part of that hope is lived thanksgiving. Healing through loss involves reframing our thought-pattern towards thankfulness. Try it. For a few minutes, to close your eyes, and think about what, and who, you are thankful for. Be specific. It may be a good memory of your loved one or the kindness of a friend. Then, think of today. What happened today that was good? Did you see beauty in flowers or clouds? In taste or smells? In a child’s smile, or an older person’s eyes?

Each day, during the day and before sleep, be specific about gratitude. Write down what you are thankful for. It can be small or large. Focus on your thanksgiving. Give time and space for grief but blend that grief with forward and backward-looking thankfulness. You’ll be surprised. The fruit of gratitude is peace. This month’s essay is on Grief and Gratitude: An Unlikely Pair?   

Here is a link for What’s Your Grief, a good website with some excellent grief related resources. What’s Your Grief: https://whatsyourgrief.com Please note: What’s your grief has great information, but it does have adds, may collect cookies, and sells grief related info. 

This month, try to take a little time out each day to pray for God’s peace and the power of the Holy Spirit to enter and transform the locked rooms of your life. Try praying the “I give up God: You take over” prayer several times each day. Reflect on gratitude, on thanksgiving, and thankfulness. 

May the words of the Risen Lord comfort you: “My peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Let your hearts not be troubled, neither let them be afraid.” May you be filled with the healing power of the Holy Spirit and the great grace of gratitude.

In Christ,

Eileen

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GRIEF REFLECTION SEVEN  

“Do not let your hearts be troubled. Have faith in God and faith in me. In my Father’s house there are many dwelling places; otherwise, how could I have told you that I was going to prepare a place for you? I am indeed going to prepare a place for you, and I shall come back to take you with me, that where I am you also may be. You know the way that leads where I go.”

John 14; 1-3

Often, I feel troubled. Sometimes I live in regret. Or feel tugged by currents of sorrow. I think of how much I miss you. Or worry about whether you are in “the Fathers dwelling place” in heaven. From now on, with God’s help, I will give these worries over to God. I will entrust you and me, and our family, to God’s everlasting mercy. And I will pray: “I give up God, you take over.” These are the worries I offer to God in prayer… 

From now on, instead of focusing on sorrow or regret, I will try to live in hope and in gratitude. I will choose each day, with God’s help, to breathe in the blessings of the Holy Spirit. I will count my blessings and ask God to help me recover peace of soul. And ‘the tranquility of order’ in my life.  And joy. I am thankful for the following blessings…

Prayer:

Lord, I know that you are the way, the truth, and the life. I believe you have sent your Holy Spirit to give me peace—even in my grief. Lord, I offer up to you my every regret and sorrow, my every joy and suffering, this day and every day. Transform them through your love. And transform me, as well. Help me, Lord. And help my loved ones, both living and dead. Send forth your Holy Spirit, the Spirit of truth, to live through me, with me, and in me, that I might have life, and have it to the full. 

“Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.”

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18.