Grief support: Monthly Grief support Letters

“And after you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace,

who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ,

will himself restore, support, strengthen, and establish you.

To him be the power and the glory forever and ever. Amen.” 1 Peter 5:10-11

Dear Friend,  

Saint Peter was a man who knew suffering and betrayal. And the hope that eventually follows loss. 

He was a simple man, impetuous but generous. He had faults: we all do. But after denying Jesus, Peter also knew humility. And forgiveness—which he desperately needed. We all do. The above scripture is inspired by the God of all grace. Peter knew that God has called each of us and our loved ones to “eternal glory in Christ.” We can find comfort in his words that “those who have suffered for a little while” will be restored, supported, strengthened, and established in Christ. 

We who grieve have suffered more than a little. Our grief has lasted many months thus far and will last many more. Sure, the intensity of our feelings varies over time—feelings, including grief, tend to do that. But at this point, we have been without the physical presence of our loved ones for a long time. And we need God’s grace to strengthen us—to restore us as we journey daily through the sufferings of the present to the glory that shall be revealed to us. 

For some of us, the suffering of grief has begun to wane; for others it has intensified. That’s to be expected. Every one of us is unique, as are our relationships, be they complicated or simple. Each of us moves through grief in our own way and at our own pace. That’s also as it should be. No one should dictate to another, either in words or in a letter such as this one, how that other should or should not grieve a loved one’s death. 

Compassion and forgiveness are needed, first for us, then for others, living and dead. 

For some people, one of the hardest parts of grief is a lack of felt forgiveness. This ‘un-forgiveness’ may involve ourselves or our deceased loved ones. It may involve hurts visited upon us or upon our deceased loved ones, by family or friends, neighbors or co-workers. (It may even involve not forgiving God for our loved one’s death.) It’s not uncommon to re-visit the scenes of un-forgiveness in our thoughts and minds repetitively, using negative talk, such as “I’m so stupid, “I never get anything right,” or “It’s all my (or his/her) fault. I should have...” This ‘un-forgiveness-branding’ can be decidedly un-helpful, even destructive. 

I’ll bet St. Peter saw again and again in his minds-eye the terrible scene where he denied the Lord. No doubt he felt the heavy weight of guilt—the indelible pain of after-death regret involving thoughts of: “If only I had been there…” and “What if I had…” Even though Jesus died before Peter could ask for or receive forgiveness, forgiveness came nonetheless—later, on the seashore, with the command to reach out to others in need: “Feed my lambs. Feed my lambs. Feed my sheep.” And Peter, repentant yet blessedly forgiven, spent a lifetime doing just that. 

Never forget: God loves us. He longs to forgive us, to help us forgive ourselves and one another. Know this: there is an important distinction between forgiving or BEING forgiven and FEELING forgiveness. Because forgiveness is a DECISION (an act of the will) vs. solely a feeling, unpleasant emotions like resentment, anger, or guilt can remain even after you have tried to forgive or been forgiven. 

Just offer those feelings to God and trust in him for healing. One way to address a lingering feeling of un-forgiveness is to pray the Lord’s Prayer, focusing on “forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.” Another way is to repeat, “I am forgiven, I am forgiven” or “I forgive, I forgive,” each time doubts resurface.

Certain wrongs feel like they are not within our power to forgive. In such circumstances, ask God’s help in forgiving. To be clear, forgiveness is not giving the OK to what occurred: it is choosing to let go in order to heal. (The Greek translation of the word forgiveness literally means “to let go” as when a person does not demand repayment for a dept.) If the weight is too great, and you can’t let go, just ask for God’s help. Pray, then trust that God will forgive, strengthen, and restore you. 

Another man who desperately needed forgiveness and restoration was Saint Augustine, the 4th century Doctor of the Church. St. Augustine knew a thing or two about sin and guilt. In sometimes excruciating detail, he describes his early unconverted life in his ‘Confessions.’ Augustine, like Peter, and most of us, had quite a lot to atone for. (He hurt his mother, girlfriend, and son with his selfish lifestyle and bad choices.) Eventually, Augustine sought forgiveness from the God of all grace and blessings. He went on, through a life filled with grief and sorrow, to realize his utter dependence on God’s love, writing famously the immortal lines that have inspired many a soul in the centuries since: “Our hearts are restless, oh my God, until they rest in you.”

Our hearts ARE restless. And we DO long for God’s presence and forgiveness. In the meantime, we need to exist and be restored right here in the middle of every day. We need to discover how to survive, and eventually how to thrive, each day. Lessening the ever-present weight of grief in our lives and discerning ways to accept and live God’s plan for restoring, forgiving, and strengthening us is a good place to start.

After that, consider whether it is time for you to reach out to help others.  During the grieving process, it's helpful to look outward and upward, to consider  volunteering to help out a family member, neighbor, or community member.  Lived compassion is healing. 

Luckily, both Augustine and his co-worker in healing, Saint Thomas Aquinas, have developed a helpful model for journeying through grief. Saint Thomas Aquinas and Augustine were keenly aware of the sorrows of life and the burdens of living in a broken world. Not infrequently in his writings, Thomas expressed concern about the weight of grief and sorrow in our lives. The Saint Thomas Guide to Surviving Grief is a practical guide to effective self-care during grief, including, surprisingly, the ‘take a bath cure for what ails you.” 

Just following this letter is the grief journal/reflection for this month. 

May the God of all consolation restore, support, strengthen you. May your heart rest within his Heart, this day and every day. 

In Christ,

Eileen

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GRIEF REFLECTION  for Monthly Grief Support Letter Six 

"You have made me for yourself, O Lord,

and my heart is restless until it rests in you."

St. Augustine

At times, my heart is still restless with grief. Sometimes, in the middle of doing or saying something, I stop. Unbidden, images of you come to mind. I can still feel a lump in my throat when I think about the time… 

When everything feels like too much, when I feel tired and worn out, I will follow St. Augustine’s advice. I'll have a good cry, take a bath, and call a friend. I will turn to the Lord of All. From now on, I will try to take care of myself better. I will…

Prayer:

Dear Lord, you have created a God-shaped hole inside me. You know my heart is restless until I rest in you. Help me, Lord. Fill me with consolation. Help me seek forgiveness. And help me forgive. Bless my memories. Heal guilt, anger, and resentment. Help me live healthfully, to care for myself well. Fill my heart with your comforting presence so that I may not grieve "as one who has no hope." Tend my soul’s garden, so that hope might grow and blossom within me. I ask this through Christ our Lord. Amen.

“But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers and sisters, about those who have died, so that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope. For since we believe that Jesus died and rose again, ever so, through Jesus, God will bring with him those who have died.”

1 Thessalonians 4:13-14