monthly grief support letters

"Be gracious to me, O Lord, for I am in distress..."

Psalm 31:9

Dear Friend,  

The wisdom of the psalmist is apparent: after the death of a loved one, we are in distress. And we do need God’s gracious presence during our grief. The time and intensity of distress following the death of a loved one varies from person to person. But for many of us, grief can change the course of our lives, separating life into segments of before and after.

During the first few weeks, many people find themselves caught in a flurry of activity. Tending to the funeral, to business affairs, and to visiting friends and family can be at once distracting and exhausting. At the same time, feelings of shock can numb us to the full extent of the reality of our loved ones’ death. 

This sort of “shock-denial-numbness” experience is quite normal. In the beginning of your grief journey, your emotions still haven’t caught up with what your mind knows to be true. Often people say, “I know it’s true he or she died, but I don’t feel like she is really gone. I feel like he will call to check in or arrive home at any moment.” 

People describe early grief as feeling unreal or like a dream. As time goes on, the reality of the loss begins to catch up with us emotionally, although it can still feel unreal, to some degree, even a year after a significant loss.  

You might find that beneath the busyness of trying to get everything done and the “getting on with life,” lies a deep feeling of sadness—a painful missing of your loved one that can be, quite literally, a heartache. (The deep sadness can also come from not having had time for the relationship to be healed before the person has gone.) It can feel unsettling to be so exhausted, and at times, overwhelmed, doing things that once seemed routine. Add to that the aches that have suddenly appeared in our bodies (and the tears in our souls) and the ever-present feeling of tiredness, and you have an accurate description of the ‘normal’ effects of grief.

In such circumstances, it can be hard to find the energy to do anything, much less take good care of ourselves. But taking care of ourselves is exactly what both God and our loved ones want for us—and if heart-whispers from ‘the beyond,’ are any indication, that is what they are trying to tell us. Right now, gently, persistently, the good Lord and your loved one are nudging you towards tender, loving self-care. 

You can almost hear the words: “I love you—and I’m worried about you. Please take good care of yourself.” Taking care of yourself is essential. Letting those who love you care for you is important too, especially if they have some information about what is and isn’t helpful for you. 

In order to help hear these "whispers of heavenly love," and better help you help yourself, I have linked to:  Effective ways of Coping with Grief.   This article is worth reading and implementing.  Don’t worry about reading the web site’s grief information all at once—it may be too much information for you right now. Just check out what works for you and save the rest for later.

Part of taking care of yourself and coping with grief effectively is to communicate your wishes and needs with those who are concerned about you.  

Let your loved ones know you need time to be alone or to be together, depending on the day or the hour. You need space to rest, to relax as much as is possible, to exercise, and to eat well. Establish gentle goals, simple steps forward. Accomplishing necessary financial details or setting up a routine dinner with a friend might be a good place to start. I suggest letting people who invite you somewhere know that you might not know how you feel until closer to the scheduled event, and that, because you are experiencing a grieving time, you may need to cancel if you don’t feel up to it. 

Don’t forget—it’s so important to be a good ‘steward’ of our bodies and hearts. For those for whom it helps to write and pray, I've included just below this letter, a self-directed reflection on grief. Most months, along with the letter and some grief information, you will find a meditation of this kind. I hope that some of this ‘gentle wisdom’ will help you in the days and months ahead.

Some grievers feel best supported by written communication, like this letter, others by talking to family or friends. Still other folks might benefit from a structured grief support group, like those offered by local hospices, or an informal meeting offered by some mortuaries or Christian faith communities, Catholic parishes, area Hospices who minister to those experiencing grief. Many people find that talking with others who understand, or who have experienced grief, can be a tremendous help. 

Just as there is no one way to grieve, there is no one size fits all bereavement letter or support group meeting. I apologize in advance if the style or tone of these letters is too faith or feeling-based and not practical enough for you. I’ve felt that way too, at times, depending on who I have been grieving.  However imperfectly, through letters and reflections and grief attachments, I try to combine God’s consolation with the support of a general faith community, information about grief, and the prayers of those who care for you. 

I know these efforts can feel like a drop in the bucket in the face of abiding sorrow. For this I apologize. But hopefully, through these monthly letters, you can attain some measure of knowledge, comfort, and support. 

A reminder: some people find that it helps to print these letters and informational attachments and save them for later. Others simply revisit the web site when they feel ready. If the letter or attachment is not quite right for you this month, just lay it aside or place it in a file labeled ‘Grief Information.’ You might be surprised: what doesn’t work now might be just what you need in a few months. 

Know that many people are praying for you, including me. May you be strengthened by these prayers. 

And, may you be comforted in your distress by the Lord of Life, who loves you tenderly and abundantly, and who is with you in your darkest nights and your most pain-filled days. May He bless you with the courage to carry on.

In Christ,

Eileen

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GRIEF REFLECTION for Monthly Grief Support Letter Two

I am worn out from groaning.

All night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears.

My eyes grow weak with sorrow.”

Psalm 6:6-7

At night, I lay awake thinking of so many memories—memories of good times and bad, words said, those left unsaid. I think about … 

Sometimes your death does not seem real. Other times, it feels all too real. I am exhausted—it’s hard to imagine taking ‘good care of myself.’ But if you were here, you would want me to be well. You would tell me to… 

Prayer:

Be gracious to me, Oh Lord. Hear my cries of sorrow. Listen to the words of my distress. Answer my prayers. Help me to know that you will never forsake me, that you are always with me. Help me to be comforted in knowing that no matter how heavy the burden of grief is, no matter how forsaken I feel, you are always with me through it all, helping me, comforting me, holding me. I am weary, Lord. Give me rest. Help me to believe. Amen. 

“Come to me, all you who are weary and carrying heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28