Grief Support Letters

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted:

and those who are crushed in spirit he saves.”

Psalm 34: 19

Dear Friend, 

Though I've never met you, I'm sorry for your loss. You have my heartfelt condolences at the recent death of your loved one. Hopefully family and friends are with you in person. Still, even with family and community, grief can be isolating. This letter, and those following, aim to provide the information and support which are so often lacking during grief. 

The letters are written from a perspective of faith.  But whether you self-identify has having faith, or having none, you are most welcome here.  Either way, feel free to read the letters, taking what wisdom you can and discarding what doesn't work for you. It might, from a non-faith perspective, be a little tough to dissect the faith from these letters, but maybe roll with it for a bit, just to see. 

Throughout history, friends and relatives have comforted one another in time of grief. In some cultural and faith traditions, grievers are enveloped into their communities with shared prayer and support. Most likely, because of their Jewish background and the Jewish Mourning Rituals, Jesus and Mary felt that kind of solace from their Jewish community in the weeks and months after Joseph died. Mary, one hopes, felt the support of her friends and the apostles in the days after Jesus died. 

Unfortunately, too few people today feel well-supported in grief. Those close to us might have no idea how much sorrow we feel or what a struggle it is to get through a single day. Perhaps they don't know what to say, or how to say it. Inadvertently, some may have said hurtful things. They, too, can benefit from accurate information about the grieving process.  (Feel free to share the letters and attachments.) Letters following this one will have more detailed grief related information and support.  

This first letter has some basic information and a few tips: 

1) There is no timeframe for grief:  we grieve, in our own way, for as long as it takes.  Some of us are internal grievers, some external. Some need to talk about grief, some don't.  Both work.  Neither is a "wrong way" to grieve.  

2) In the weeks and months after a loved one's death, it's normal for the loss to seem unreal.  It's common to think you will see or hear from the person, expect them to come back from vacation, or answer the phone and hear their voice.  Feeling numb or having a sense of unreality is also a part of early grief, as are intense feelings of longing for our loved one, wishing they were here to talk to, hug, or be with.

3) Your grief is your own, not anyone else's. Give yourself permission to grieve your way. Discard words from well-intentioned people who think you are doing it wrong or needing to go through "the five stages" of grief, their way. 

4)  Grief is so intense, physically and emotionally, that many people worry they're going crazy.  Knowing more about how grief affects us, and the process of grieving, can allay those fears.

5) No relationship is perfect. Most are far from perfect.  Conflicted relationships don't become conflict-free because a person has died. Some of us grieve the loss of a relationship that never was, and now never will be. Acknowledging anger, irritation, or frustration, even with someone who has died, or with God, is OK. People don't stop bugging us (or loving us) just because they've died. Working through those feelings is important.  

6) It's not unusual to feel relief, regret, or guilt when grieving.  You might be relieved your loved one is no longer suffering, and feel bad you aren't grieving the way people, or you, think you should. You might regret words said or left unsaid. Or, you might feel guilty for not doing things differently in your life together or during caregiving. All these feelings are normal. 

What might help:

• Try not to rewind and replay regret-filled actions and interactions on a never-ending loop.  Thoughts of  "If only I had," "I should have," and "Why didn't I," are normal, but work on putting these thoughts in a context of self-focused mercy.  You did your best. You are doing your best.  That is all anyone can do. Extend the lovingkindness with which you treat others, right back to yourself. Every day.

• Some people who are grieving find it helps to establish rituals to remember loved ones—and at the same time, feel comforted by God. For some, a daily ritual like lighting a candle before a loved one’s picture can be a good way to talk to, pray for, or remember ‘those who have gone before us in the faith’ in a special way. It can even be a time to speak words we may or may not have been able to say before—words like "I love you," "goodbye," "I’m sorry," "please forgive me," or "I forgive you."

• Taking a walk and reflecting on cherished memories helps, as does calling a friend, or spending quiet time at home.  When grief is complicated by a conflictual relationship, it's difficult: usually there are tough memories blended with good ones. You might decide to talk to a counselor, therapist, pastor, rabbi, or health care provider.  No matter how you choose to move forward each day, I pray you'll feel the warmth and light of God’s enduring love.

• I'd like to offer you accompaniment of sorts, as you walk "through the valley of grief.’" In the coming months, you can revisit the Practical Wisdom; Uncommon Sense website to read and refer to the rest of the monthly bereavement letters. If you prefer, download a podcast or YouTube Video and watch or listen to the letters. 

• The next letter is posted on the site, and more letters, each in a grief and time-after-death related sequence. Each letter has grief education attachment links with timely grief information and support. There is information for family and friends who would like to know how to best support you. Most of the monthly letters, though not this one, also have an option for completing a faith-based personal reflection or grief journal. There are special letters for holidays: intersperse these with the monthly letters as you wish.

• For some, monthly grief support letters are helpful right away; for others, it can take a few months before one strikes the right chord. For still others, they aren’t helpful at all. Be patient with yourself, and if possible, the letters. Don’t be surprised if you feel slightly ambivalent about the letters—even irritated if the content doesn’t seem ‘just right’ at first. After all, your grief is your own: it is as unique as your relationship with your loved one. Though commonalities in grief exist, no person or letter can adequately describe your feelings at this time. 

Grief's effect's are psychical, emotional, psychological, and spiritual. As mentioned above, sometimes it can be so intense, and our reaction to it so strong, it can cause us to wonder if something is wrong with us or if we are going crazy. Reading over what is "normal" in grief can be a great relief. This months' link is: Grief Basics: no right or wrong way to grieve.   Hopefully, knowing we are not alone on this journey through grief will be a comfort. 

Be patient with yourself.  And be kind, each day, to you. 

I'm keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. Know that I pray daily for everyone who finds these letters and for their family members and loved ones. May God comfort you: May ‘the still small voice’ of the Spirit bless you today and every day. 

In Christ,

Eileen