grief support letters/special days/holidays/thanksgiving one

“Do not worry about anything,

but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving

let your requests be made known to God.

And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding,

will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

Philippians 4;5-7

Dear Friend,

St. Paul’s words are wise and comforting. But after Jesus died, even the apostles discovered how difficult it was ‘not to worry about anything.’ The New Testament describes those first days after Jesus’ death —his followers locked themselves in an upper room, distraught and frightened. Jesus, as you recall, came, and stood in the midst of them. “Peace be with you,” he said. “Not as the world gives do I give unto you; let your hearts not be troubled, neither let them be afraid.” 

The first Thanksgiving after a loved one’s death can be especially difficult. The anticipation of the event, (be it a holiday, birthday, wedding anniversary or death anniversary), might be even harder than the event itself. We wonder: “What will I do this year?” “How will I manage?” Well-meaning advice from friends and relatives isn’t always helpful. “Do something different,” one will say knowingly. “Keep the same traditions—whatever you do, don’t change,” another will dictate. 

The contradictory advice, the anxiety about being ‘in control’ of volatile emotions, and the sheer intensity of missing a loved one, can send even those of us who are ‘several years out’ from the death of a loved one into an emotional tailspin. And for those of us who are experiencing a first Thanksgiving without the physical presence of a loved one—just thinking about the upcoming dates may want to make us escape—to anywhere else.

So, what to do? 

First: There are no hard and fast rules, barring one: ‘Do what works for you.’ Honestly, that sounds simplistic, and perhaps it is, but it may be the best piece of advice anyone can offer. If that means ‘toning down’ festivities and simplifying the season, so be it. If it means escaping, literally, to a different locale or home, that’s OK too. And if ‘keeping everything the same’ feels right for you, it probably is.

Most people find it helps, in any event, to acknowledge the loss or to celebrate the life of a loved one in some fashion. That may mean setting a place for the missing loved one, with a lighted candle or picture in remembrance, or it may mean everyone at the table saying a prayer of thanksgiving for the blessing of your loved one’s life. One idea is to write down all the ways in which you are and were thankful for your deceased loved one, and either read them aloud, or place these ‘thanksgiving intentions’ in a basket in the center of the table.

The tough part about ‘Do what works best for you,’ is that, in most extended families, there is more than one ‘you.’ This means that because each person will have their own grieving style (after all, we grieve as individuals and we are all quite unique!), so each person or family may want or need to do something different. 

This means, as in most things, that some form of compromise may be the rule of the day. Please try to respect one another, even if you disagree about what is the ‘best’ way to ‘celebrate’ a holiday. Any sort of grieving, (and that includes holiday grieving,) can be the occasion for hurt feelings and intensified feelings of loss. So, remember to ‘cut one another a big slice of slack’ and tread carefully with words and feelings. Everybody grieves differently—the only ‘right way’ to celebrate Thanksgiving this year is to do so with great love and abiding tenderness, both for yourself and for your surviving loved ones. 

As with the rest of grieving, ‘there is no way out but through.’ Elements of the season will be quite painful and sorrowful. If you can, invite joy and humor to be a part of the remembrance as well. Time does lesson the intensity of loss, but one never really ‘gets over’ grief—just as one never ‘gets over’ loving someone. The best we can hope for is to aspire to reach a ‘new normal,’ where our loss is incorporated lovingly into the fabric of the holiday season and into our everyday life.

As we celebrate on Thanksgiving Day, and on the Sunday preceding and following the day, we are reminded of the transformational power of a shared meal and we become one body, one spirit in Christ. The thanksgiving meal we share with family and friends can transform us as well, giving us the sustenance, we need to work through ‘our grieving time’ together. 

Let us try to give thanks for the presence of all our loved ones, both those living on earth and in heaven. Let us give thanks for the gifts our loved ones have brought to our lives, for the ways in which they continue to live in us. Let us ask God’s forgiveness for the times when we’ve fallen short of the ideals of lovingkindness and of gratitude. And finally, let's ask God’s help in ‘getting through’ Thanksgiving Day this year—and His continued blessing on our families. 

May ‘the peace which surpasses all understanding’ be yours, this Thanksgiving Day, and every day.

In Christ,

Eileen