grief support letters/special days/mothers/fathers Day

 "When Jesus therefore saw His mother, and the disciple whom He loved standing by, He said to His mother, “Woman, behold your son.”  Then He said to the disciple, “Behold your mother.” And from that hour that disciple took her to his own home. "

John 19:26-27

Dear Friend,

No matter how old you are when your parents die, you always feel like a kid. Memories of childhood, poignant reminders of days gone by and of your parents, resurface.  And, when a parent experiences the death of a child at any age, the pain of that loss, too, uncovers memories of parenting and childhood endeavors, and feelings of profound loss.  In either circumstance, Mothers and Fathers Day can become reservoirs for sorrow and repositories of grief. They can also, at the same time, be times of remembered joy. 

Memories of our parents, children, and siblings are so plentiful and so laden with emotion, sometimes good, occasionally bad, that a day commemorating parenthood can be especially difficult during grief. 

Memory after memory tumbles to the forefront and our hearts ache with loss. "Remember when she told me made-up stories every night until I fell asleep?" "Remember when he taught me how to play catch?"  "How can I forget the first day of kindergarten, when both of us cried?" "Or the innumerable sports events, when my own personal cheering section could be counted on to be there, every game, cheering me on, no matter how I played?"  "I'll always remember the pride shining in their eyes on the occasions of my graduation, wedding, and the birth of my own children?"

No parent can forget a child's milestones, no matter how old your child is when they pass. A skinned knee, a tough class assignment, a new job, the birth of a child or grandchild: Being a parent without your child celebrating you on Mothers and Fathers Day, is a deep kind of sorrow. (The Compassionate Friends is a great resource for parents or siblings grieving the death of a child/sibling of any age.) Siblings, too, suffer when one is not present for days like Mothers and Fathers' Day.  

Good memories of our parents and children are sometimes interspersed with not-so-good memories. These, too, come to the fore on holidays.  Every one of us is human, and therefore broken to a degree, some more than others.  Obviously, parents included. Maybe your mom was a saint and your dad wasn't one. Or vise versa. Humans are complicated and so are relationships. Sifting through good memories and legacies from bad ones is a part of our task.  Working through relationships with parents and children occurs during life, and can, with help, happen after death too.  (If the relationship was complicated or hurtful or you need extra help, make it a priority.  Try to find an Emotionally Focused Therapist/EFT therapist near you.) 

Like other holidays, it's important to think in advance how to commemorate the day.  Will it be the usual way, with siblings and a remaining parent? Or something different?  Will you choose to make her favorite meal or eat together at his favorite restaurant?  Go to the cemetery with flowers? Pray? Or take a long walk, reflecting on their lives, the way their choices impacted your life? Also, as with other special days and holidays, it's important to implement self-care time.  Especially for the first Mother's or Father's Day, the day itself and the time preceding is likely to be more emotional. Exhaustion takes a toll: grief feels more overwhelming when you're tired and stressed. Taking good care of you, and then of others in your life, is essential.  

Part of navigating Mothers Day and Fathers Day is learning to incorporate the losses into our lives and figuring out how to move forward, with grace.  Two hopeful templates are found in the lives of Mary, Jesus's mom, and Joseph, his dad-on-earth, both of whom navigated life and grief with courage and perseverance. 

Mary experienced the loss of both of her parents when she was young and likely grieved their deaths until she was old.  We don't have any formal record of Joseph's parents, but, "if he didn't fall far from the tree," we can assume he learned kindness, generosity of heart, faithfulness, and faith-filled-ness, along with carpentry, somewhere, likely from his parents.  In first century Jewish life, Joseph and Mary might not have had formal days like Mothers and Fathers Day to remember their parents, but every day they lived, and every day they cared for their own child, would have reminded them of those losses and of their own choices to move forward in hope and in trust.  

Mary and Joseph were there for Jesus at his birth and during his life, and Mary was present when he suffered, at, and after, his death. Mary was, avowedly, an excellent mom and Joseph a good and kind dad. Both are, for us, examples, not only of how to parent, but also how to live healthily with grief.  

Tough circumstances occurred aplenty in their lives: For Mary, the early death of her parents, being pregnant and initially unmarried, not being housed during the time of Jesus's birth, and, with Joseph and Jesus, becoming refugees in Egypt, where, for several years, they didn't know anyone, had no job (except carpentry), and didn't know how to speak the language.  The painful worries of whether their son was being human-trafficked when he was twelve years old and lost for three days, must have been heart-searing for both. Josephs illness and death, even with Jesus's help, must have been difficult for Mary, and for the whole family. 

Still, Mary "treasured" memories in her heart, pondering, with faith.  Then, when her son was being led to his death, they looked in one another's eyes, knowing what was coming, mutually sorrow-filled. And as he died on the cross, she stayed with him. "When Jesus therefore saw His mother, and the disciple whom He loved standing by, He said to His mother, “Woman, behold your son.”  Then He said to the disciple, “Behold your mother." Mary was his mom, and even as he died, Jesus made sure she would be taken care of. John, did take care of his friend's mom and brought her into his home, "from that day forward."  

Mary and Joseph chose to magnify the love of God and live self-sacrificial love.  We hope to do likewise.  In our lives, we might choose to magnify, not only a good and loving God, but also the best attributes and lessons of our parents.  

This day, on Mothers Day, we "behold" our mothers. And on Fathers Day, we "behold" our Fathers. And they behold us. We choose to treasure their memories, and, from this day forward, celebrate their lives and gifts of love. We send "thank-you" and "I love you" messages their way eternally, along with, when necessary, messages of: "I forgive you," and "Please forgive me."  We are grateful.

"May God bless you and keep you, may He shine His light upon you and be gracious to you.  May He turn His face toward you and give you peace," this Mothers Day and Fathers day and every day. 

In Christ,

Eileen