special days/Holiday Grief support letters/Christmas/Year 1

“The dawn from on high shall break upon us,

and shine on those who dwell in darkness

and the shadow of death,

and guide our feet in the way of peace.”

Canticle of Zechariah

Dear Friend,

May the blessing of Christ’s tender love be with you this Advent Season. And may His healing presence comfort you as you prepare for Christmas. 

Understandably, this year, for you and for your family, the ‘joy of the season’ might be elusive. For some, even the effort of putting up lights, or decorating the house can feel exhausting. For others, participating in the ‘Christmas routine’ may feel comforting—a way of honoring those who are with us in spirit this year, if not in body. 

The holiday gatherings, baking, shopping, and general busyness of the season can be an escape from the intensity of grief for some of us, while for others, it might add to it. And, because grief changes from day to day, such activities might feel fine one day, and the next be overwhelming. 

The main thing to keep in mind is that the holiday season is as difficult for grievers as it is busy. Remember, grief is a lot of work, and it takes an extraordinary amount of energy, even in the best of times. The holiday season has a way of ramping up expectations and engagements in a way that can exhaust our reservoir of coping and leave us more depleted and sadder than we were when it all started. So, what should a person do? How might we best ‘cope’ with the holidays? 

A few practical ideas: 

It can be difficult for some of us, though not all, to slow down amid the hustle and bustle of parties and family gatherings. If you are one of these people, then consider taking things easy—be choosy about how many activities you say yes to. Oftentimes, people find that one or two social events can wipe out a weeks’ worth of energy. Schedule ‘rest times’ between events. And be careful of over committing—take one thing at a time. 

Feel free to say: “I’m going through a sad time right now, and I never know how I’m going to feel on any given day. Sometimes a social gathering is just what I need, and other times it’s more than I can handle. Would it be OK if I let you know closer to the time if I can make it?” For every one of us who has difficulty ‘slowing down’ when we are grieving, there is another for whom any event at all feels like too much. Try to find the balance that works best for you—both during this season and afterwards. 

The single most important thing you can do this season is to give yourself a huge dose of ‘tender loving care.’ The Jewish tradition has another description for this: “unconditional friendliness towards oneself, “or, “giving oneself fully, with love and compassion.”  

Since Jesus himself was Jewish, we can follow His example in caring for ourselves unconditionally. When He says: “Love your neighbor as yourself,” the Lord is telling us to practice unconditional friendliness towards yourself this holiday season, and every day of our lives. If our loved one could give us a present this year, it might be to wrap up lovingkindness in colorful paper and put it under the tree with our name on it. 

Another idea is to consider giving your loved one a present from you. After prayerful reflection, that present might be an “I love you,” or “I forgive you.” It might be “I’m sorry,” or “I forgive myself.” 

Who knows, the present from your loved one to you could be laughter, or that beautiful scarf or tool set you’ve been eyeing. Whatever it is, you may want to wrap it up and put it under the tree for Christmas morning. When you open it, take a deep breath, thank your loved one, then breathe a prayer to the Christ-child, asking him to help you get through the day with his warm and tender love. (Attached are some other ideas for holiday coping.) 

Bringing in the New Year can be a challenge, especially if the start of next year will be your first without the physical presence of your loved one. The New Year can also be tough if this is your second, third, or fourth year without that special person. Take a few minutes and discern how you’d like to bring in the New Year, and who, if anyone, you would like to have with you.

Remember, there is no timetable for grief—and there is no ‘wrong’ amount of time for you to miss a person you love. Some people move more quickly through the grief journey or grieve on a timetable unique to their own relationship with the deceased. For others, the time of mourning can last for a long, long, time. Remember: it is even common for people in the same family to grieve differently. So, this Christmas and New Year’s, give yourself another present: the present of allowing yourself to grieve in your own time and in your own way, without wondering: “What’s wrong with me?” 

When you make your New Year’s Resolutions this year, don’t forget to include the practice unconditional lovingkindness towards yourself, along with increased exercise, (it really does help!) improved nutrition, and increased prayer—for you and your loved ones, both living and dead. 

During the days and weeks ahead, know I am holding you in my heart and praying for you. 

May God bless you. May He let His light shine on you as you dwell in the shadow of grief. And may He bless you consolation and joy as you celebrate the birth of the Christ child, Emanuel, who is God-with-us. May the Christ-Child be with you and “guide your feet in the way of peace” this Christmas season and every day in the year to come.

In Christ,

Eileen